Mediation Center of Jacksonville
4221 Baymeadows Rd. Suite 4
Jacksonville, FL 32217
Thank you for inquiring about the services we offer to people who are facing the prospect of going to court to resolve a family problem. Most people do not want to go to court and have a stranger tell them what they must do with their property or their children. Judges know that no one else can ever understand your problems and your needs as well as you do, therefore, no one else can make better decisions about your future than you can. That is why in 1990, the Florida legislature gave judges the power to order couples to use the "mediation process " to try and solve their problems themselves before the judge will hear their case in court. Divorce issues taken to mediation are resolved in the vast majority of cases in less than four hours, and the judge then merely approves and makes final and binding the settlement worked out in mediation. The rest of this letter will explain the "mediation process ", and your other major alternative the "adversary process". The choice is up to you.
There are more divorces in the Jacksonville area every year (5,000) than there are new marriages. Psychologists say that only the death of a spouse or a child creates more stress than a divorce. The experience of divorce is never pleasant, but you can do a lot to help prevent it from becoming a personal disaster. A successful divorce can be defined as one that is done with a minimum of emotional strain and financial cost for both the wife and the husband. Successful mediation results in successful divorces and over 95% of my 2,500 divorce mediations have been successful. Your alternative is the "adversary process", which by its very nature always creates more stress and more expense and therefore leads to less successful divorces than mediation. Here is why.
The training, as well as the code of ethics of lawyers requires them to present their client's case in the best possible light. They "advocate", or fight for the best outcome for their client alone and this makes the two sides adversaries. This competition between husband and wife usually creates stress, fear, anger, bitterness and resentment. Naturally, this tends to aggravate rather than reduce divorce related conflicts. Lawyers are trained to approach each case as if it will be a "fight to the finish", which means a "trial". They are trained to argue your position - even when your position is unfair or wrong. Despite the intense emotions you or your spouse may be feeling, lawyers are trained to cope with legal events and procedures and to avoid emotion in favor of facts. They have no formal training in dealing with the emotional aspects of divorce, which may explain why they spend 90% of their billable time dealing with paperwork, the court and each other instead of with the divorcing couple.
However, you shouldn't blame lawyers when their process turns two rational people into bitter enemies. This is the "adversarial process" at work. It feeds peoples' anger, distrust and disappointment. It is the process” that causes many divorces to get out of control. When Danny DiVito played a divorce lawyer in the movie "War of the Roses" he said it well, "There are no winners in divorce court, only degrees of losing." But, you can both avoid losing if you can mediate together.
The "adversary process" causes large sums of money to be spent on legal tactics and strategies designed to win at a trial. Two lawyers may eventually work out a settlement but you may feel forced to accept it because you fear losing control to the court or because you are intimidated by the thought of a trial, or simply because you can no longer afford to continue litigation. This type of settlement is not reached through mutual understanding or consideration of the mutual needs of you and your spouse so it is likely to break down. Defective settlements cause feelings of injustice and bitterness which can bring you and your ex-spouse back to court again and again. Continuing battles will contaminate and ruin the new life you are tying to build. Better settlements can be worked out in mediation. Here is why.
The "mediation process"
results in a final, binding settlement agreement (subject to court approval) covering all issues raised in a divorce but it does it very differently than the "adversary process". The couple works with one, specially trained professional called a
mediator, who helps them work out what both the wife and the husband believe is a fair agreement. A divorce mediator
does not
make decisions for the couple, but he or she is a specialist at getting people to see and to understand the problems, and the options or alternatives they can choose to solve the problems raised by divorce or separation. Mediation is conducted in the informal, totally confidential setting of the mediator's office rather than in a formal, impersonal, public courtroom. You have to live with the outcome of your divorce and mediation allows you, not a judge, to control that outcome.
Are separate attorneys needed by you and your spouse in mediation? People who voluntarily choose to mediate usually do not ask an attorney to attend with them, but that is possible. About half of them have consulted an attorney to gather information before they begin to mediate. Others ask an attorney after mediation is over to review their mediated settlement agreement that I prepared for them, before they sign it. Many couples file their mediated agreement with the court without ever retaining an attorney. So the answer is that you hire separate attorneys if and when you feel it is in your best interest to do so. A mediator cannot ethically serve as the attorney for you or your spouse because attorneys are required and expected to advocate exclusively for one side. You and your spouse must feel that your mediator is neutral and helping you both at all times.
Legal fees quickly run into thousands of dollars using the adversary process, but in mediation you can control and limit legal fees if you choose to hire a lawyer to assist you during or after mediation. If you don't use an attorney your only cost is simply for the number of hours of the mediator's time that you both agree to purchase. (There is no minimum and the maximum I have ever mediated with a couple is 10 hours.) The mediator's fee ($300 per hour) is frequently shared by the couple in some manner. No retainer or up-front money is requested. In my experience, local middle class couples frequently spend ten times more on their divorce ($5,000 to $10,000 each] when they hire two lawyers than when they hire a mediator. Two lawyers recently asked me to mediate with their clients
after
$90,000 had been spent for legal fees in a ten month period. (A full settlement was worked out in a few hours of mediation.) In another case Jacksonville case the Wife spent $52,000 and Husband spent $71,000 on their attorneys prior to working out a full settlement in mediation.
In addition to major cost savings a key difference between the two processes is that mediation never results in either side "losing". It creates only settlements that both spouses voluntarily agree to accept because they believe it is in their best interest to do so. And, this type of settlement, unlike a court's ruling, less often needs court enforcement because people are more willing and more likely to follow a written Agreement that they helped create than one that was imposed upon them by a stranger. Of course the court always has the power to enforce your mediated Agreement if that ever becomes necessary. And you can seek legal review of it before you sign anything.
I have been a practicing attorney in good standing with the Florida bar since 1989. However, by choice, I will not accept any clients who want me to use the
adversary process
to help them against their spouse. To me that system is grossly inefficient, too expensive, and too destructive to be used in reaching most divorce settlements. I now serve only as a
"mediator", working for both the wife and the husband. In this role I do many things, from opening up or improving communication between you, to providing you both with the information you may need to make informed decisions. If you don't agree on an issue I can suggest options or alternatives to the problem that you haven't thought of but that I have seen other couples use in a similar situation. I make sure that both of you get your position understood by your spouse and where you do not agree I have been trained to get you both to agree. However, a mediator never tells you what you should do. Mediation empowers you to control the decisions that affect your life. Mediation makes you think and act and it is not always easy. Where children are involved, mediation is especially valuable in helping to minimize the effects of divorce on them. However, marriage counselors, clergy, psychologists and many judges who are familiar with both processes strongly believe that the
mediation process is better than the
adversary process is for most couples. If this "new" process sounds better to you than the "old process, which was probably used by your friends or relatives to divorce, you should select and talk to a mediator. Here is how.
At the very minimum be sure that any mediator you speak with has been "certified" by the Florida Supreme Court to mediate family law disputes. This means they have been trained under court-approved standards and have mediated two cases under supervision. However, mediation is a skill that develops primarily from experience and practice, so look for someone who has conducted a lot of mediations - 200 or more. I have done over 2,500. You will also want a full-time mediator, not someone who does it occasionally, as a sideline to another professional practice.
After establishing that they are competent look for a mediator that you feel you can trust to remain unbiased during the process and who will keep all information confidential. Look for someone you are comfortable working with and who wants to help you solve difficult problems in a civilized way without either you or your spouse feeling that you were forced to agree to anything.
I am
full-time mediator. I have conducted over 2,500 mediations since 1992. I have never had a couple tell me they thought mediation was a waste of time. No one can guarantee that all issues will be worked out with your spouse to your mutual satisfaction in a few hours of mediation. However, that is what has happened with approximately 95% of the couples I have worked with. If you can't mediate successfully that usually becomes clear at our first meeting and you are free to end this process and go the route of the
adversary process at any time. Simple or complex cases, high or low conflict couples, I have helped people of all education and income levels succeed in mediating all aspects of their divorce. A few have even reconciled during or after mediation. See my website at
jaxdivorcemediation.com.
To help you make the right decision on which process to choose I offer a free telephone consultation. This provides you or your spouse with the opportunity to check me out, to have questions about mediation or divorce answered, and to make a more informed decision on how you should proceed. The vast majority of people who call me decide mediation is the best option.
Just remember that a healthy divorce or a bad divorce is not a matter of luck. The outcome is determined by the choices you are make. Will it be bitter or civilized? Will it become a bad dream or will it be a transition to a new and better life for both of you? Will you spend your money seeking vindication or revenge through "the system” or will you use your resources to build your separate futures? In other words, will you choose a healthy or a bad divorce? Most people can go either way. It's up to you. You can make your own choices and thereby retain control of your future, or you can not make them, and by default allow someone else to control your divorce. When you lose control, you get a bad divorce. When you retain control, you have the possibility of a healthy divorce.
Divorce is not an event, it is a transition. During this time, you may have powerful feelings of anger, fear, and resentment. You must acknowledge these feelings and talk about them, but do it in the right place and at the right time. And with a mediator's help you can do it in the right way. Be very careful not to act on your feelings in ways that actually hurt your long-term interests. Remember, most of what you do by instinct in divorce is wrong.
You need to shift your focus from the past to the future. No one can change the past not even the judge. A divorce lawyer is trained to focus on the past, to portray you as a victim or your spouse as a bad spouse so that you can "win". Bad divorces happen when people get trapped (or trap themselves) in useless attempts to vindicate the past and to rewrite a history that for most purposes is irrelevant to the outcome of their divorce settlement. Healthy divorces are possible when you take an accurate inventory of the resources you have and then use them efficiently to build your future. A mediator is experienced and trained to help you both do that while helping you resolve all of the legal and financial issues that arise in your divorce.
I am located in Jacksonville at 4221 Baymeadows Rd. Suite 4 (Between Philips Hwy. and San Jose Blvd). Please call anytime to arrange an appointment or to discuss how mediation may help you.
Dan Warner
Florida Supreme Court Certified Mediator and Attorney